A while back, I gave two presentations at a writers’ retreat in Arizona with my lovely and talented wife (and business partner), Ingrid Elfver.
After the first presentation we got oohs and aahs. Glowing remarks. Gushing.
“Wonderful and informative” they said.
Awesome.
The second presentation was different. Some people got a lot out of it, but others got upset (and that’s putting it mildly). A couple participants actually walked out in the middle of our presentation.
Why would I fess up to that?
First, because I learned a lot about myself in the process. Second, because I know that telling you about it will empower you as well.
* * *
Here’s What Happened
The retreat took place in the picturesque red rock mountains of Sedona, a city known for its history and archaeology; arts and culture; shopping; outdoor sports; and spiritual/metaphysical community.
The event was a “Wellness & Writing” retreat attended mostly by authors who read books by publishers like Hay House (self help, inspirational, and transformational books).
For the most part the attendees were:
* Unpublished authors
* Early in their writing/career development
* Spiritual/metaphysical
* Intuitive/sensitive
* Focused on healing and wellness in their own lives
(in some cases the inspiration for their books)
So, what went wrong???
* * *
Breaking It Down
The first presentation Ingrid and I gave was standard schtick.
It was early in the morning and I could hear birds singing outside as I started my talk. I began by painting a pretty picture of how great it would be for everyone to get a top literary agent and book deal. I built everyone up, encouraged them to believe that is was possible.
I also addressed common fears and resistance that many authors have. I provided basics about how the publishing industry works. Lastly, I shared case studies illustrating how to give a book greater bestseller or high commercial potential.
When I was done, Ingrid encouraged everyone as well. She also inspired them to think bigger… about their business and brand. Authors are entrepreneurs after all, and books are just one potential stream of income. Others might include speaking, merchandise, coaching, etc.
Ingrid went on to help everyone see how they could bring more of themselves into their work. In other words, be more authentic and trust the fact that they can do more of what they’re really best at, and enjoy doing the most.
Pretty easy sell.
Everyone (myself included) likes to be nurtured
and hear about what’s possible.
That’s the fun stuff…
* * *
Then We Shifted Gears
After our first presentation Ingrid and I had lunch at a gorgeous restaurant next to a creek, and we enjoyed some downtime in our hotel room. Then we headed back to the retreat to host our very own “Author Shark Tank.”
Ingrid and I selected three different people to come up to the front of the room, one at a time, and sit in our “Author Hot Seat.” We stood on opposite sides of each person to provide intensive 2-on-1 laser coaching.
That’s when things got “messy.”
Yes, we continued to be encouraging and show people what was possible for them (things they wanted to hear). But this wasn’t just us speaking anymore.
It was us coaching.
Coaching is interactive.
Coaching is about action and transformation.
Coaching is about getting real and doing the work.
* * *
So, We Pushed Buttons
* We revealed weaknesses and limiting beliefs
* We talked about reality, making money, and success
* We told people they were wrong when they were wrong
* We challenged them to think bigger and take bolder action, concrete action steps that would take them out of their comfort zones and require more work than they had originally planned on doing (pushing everyone beyond the happy bliss of just birthing books)
* * *
To Be Honest, It Was a Bit Much
If we’d been speaking to a group of CEOs or seasoned entrepreneurs it would have been fine. But we weren’t. Remember, this group was made up of mostly unpublished authors very early in their writing/career development; spiritual/metaphysical; intuitive/sensitive; and focused on healing and wellness in their own lives (in most cases the driving force behind their books).
By the way, any time you start to “lose” an audience as a speaker, it’s your fault. We came on way too strong (talking business) with (mostly) a bunch of newbies that were (for the most part) just trying to find the confidence they needed to start writing their first books. We were so focused on how we could help the people there grow… that we tried to push them too far too fast.
We also should have spent more time (before starting the session) setting the stage: explaining the value of what we were about to do; framing everything we were about to present as opportunity; giving people permission to feel overwhelmed and/or opt out; and remind people that focusing on smart business strategy doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic or only in it for the money.
We realized this (to some extent) while it was happening,
and made some feeble adjustments.
But it wasn’t enough…
As I mentioned earlier, two people walked out.
Then, later on (long after the event), Ingrid and I heard
through the grapevine it got worse after we left.
Awkward…
Now that I’ve had a few weeks to process everything, I’ve boiled it all down to this… the moral of the story. There are two of them, actually:
* * *
Lesson #1: Fear vs. Opportunity
At first when I learned that people (including the event coordinator)
were disappointed, I got afraid.
Oh, no, did people gather in groups and say bad stuff about us that night when we left after the hot seat? Is the event coordinator going to invite us to future events? Will the attendees still want to work with us and sign up for our coaching programs? Will people from the event let what happened get in the way of their growth and development?
Then I remembered…
I’m not the kind of guy who likes to live in fear.
So, I chose the alternative.
Opportunity.
I sat down and wrote the event coordinator a thoughtful email. I expressed my gratitude and some of my regrets. I explained why Ingrid and I did some of the things we did. And I made suggestions for what might be done differently in the future (hopeful that we might be able to mend fences and do more with the event coordinator in the future).
She replied with an extremely gracious email, but it was also heartbreaking. That’s when she told me how upset some of the attendees had gotten.
I jumped right back into fear.
Oh, God, it’s exactly what I thought. No, it’s worse than I thought. I suck. We suck. What a wasted trip. Man, we had such a great start to the event and then blew it with the “Author Hot Seat.”
Then my “higher self” returned.
Opportunity.
I emailed the event coordinator again, thanking her for being so kind and even-handed in her email. It was obvious she put a lot of thought into it and didn’t want to hurt our feelings. She even said that she was worried that her email might have been too direct.
I told her it wasn’t too direct.
It was honest.
Then I thanked her for being brave enough to speak her truth (so few people have the balls to do that). Even though a lot of what the event coordinator said was difficult to hear, Ingrid and I needed to hear it. The event coordinator and I talked on the phone a couple weeks later (this is where it really gets interesting). According to her, our presence at the event wasn’t a total disaster after all.
She said, “Although some people at the event got protective of our tight group, and the discussions about money pulled a lot of folks out of their comfort zones – some positive effects are beginning to be seen. Many times (especially when it comes to money) people often need to be pulled a little out of their current mindset to see the bigger picture!!”
Here’s the point…
Everyone at the retreat (myself, Ingrid, the event coordinator, and all the attendees) were forced to make a choice during (and after) the event:
- Use everything that took place as an opportunity to learn and grow
- Go into fear (get defensive, find fault, and focus on others instead of yourself)
Staying positive and looking for opportunities advances you.
Going into fear holds you back.
The choice we all make
in these situations is critical…
If you want to be a true “master” (spiritually, in writing, or in anything else in life), it starts here. The event coordinator is a master. Ingrid is a master. I’m a master. And so is everyone else that attended the retreat… who chose opportunity and grace.
Life (and people) are imperfect.
Including me.
Get over it.
That’s not what matters.
What matters is what you do with the imperfection. That reveals your true character. It also defines the limits of the success you’ll be able to achieve (in your writing, in your relationships, and in every other part of your life).
Don’t get afraid, look for the opportunity.
Ingrid is much better at this than I am.
I get afraid, she doesn’t.
When I first told Ingrid about the email I got from the event coordinator, explaining how some people at the event got triggered, she laughed. “That’s good,” she said. “We got people’s attention and made them think. Eventually they’ll come around and see that we had good intentions and only wanted to help them grow.”
I took everything a lot harder.
That’s because I’m still in the process of getting comfortable… making other people uncomfortable (whereas Ingrid is already a master at this). For me, the couple weeks after Sedona were more of an emotional roller-coaster. Humbling. A learning experience that made me question what I do (and why).
I hope you’re learning from the experience, too.
* * *
Lesson #2: Love vs. Tough Love
Wanting people to feel good and/or like you is tempting as a speaker or coach, but that should never be the primary drive of a speaker or coach. If that happens, it should be called nurturing and/or people-pleasing.
Not coaching.
Yes, I want as many people as possible to love me when I speak and coach. But it’s more important to me that people reach their goals. Even if that means they’re going to get upset (as long as they’re nice about it).
I get it.
It’s uncomfortable…
That’s because I’m consciously making you uncomfortable, challenging you, and stretching you.
It isn’t supposed to be all sunshine and lollipops.
* * *
As a speaker and coach I have to:
* Reveal myths and misconceptions
* Share insider information about the publishing industry and/or business world that might be difficult for you to hear or accept
* Expose your weaknesses and shortcomings (so you can improve)
* Get you to be more realistic about how much work you’ll have to do and help you be more patient
* Tell you if you’re delusional
* Hold you accountable (if that’s something you need)
As your coach I’m going to fight for you. I’m going to fight with you if needed. And I’m going to show you how you’re fighting yourself.
One of my favorite marketing gurus says, “If you’re not pissing a few people off in business… you’re playing it safe, not really taking a stand for anything, and not helping people grow as much as you could.”
I agree.
It’s called “tough love” and that’s what I do.
If you want a yes-man, that’s not me.
Because I want you to succeed.
I’m not just in this for standing ovations (although they’re wonderful). Matter of fact, if you found this article enlightening and/or empowering… I’d love to hear from you below. And (if you’re one of the authors who attended the retreat in Sedona), I hope you got a lot out of it. You can do absolutely anything you put your mind to.
Ingrid and I believe in you,
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
Your “Undercover” Agent
* * *
* * *
MARK MALATESTA is a former literary agent turned author coach. Mark now helps authors of all genres (fiction, nonfiction, and children's books) get top literary agents, publishers, and book deals through his company 
MARK MALATESTA is a former literary agent turned author coach. Mark now helps authors of all genres (fiction, nonfiction, and children's books) get top literary agents, publishers, and book deals through his company 
I’d need a lot more than 500 words to put down all the wonderfully-helpful, heart-warming things I find in you as my coach. It’s you who insists I never give up; and in the time we’ve worked together, as a writer I’ve learnt how to dig deeper, and DEEPER, and then some! So far you haven’t called me ‘delusional’ which is just one more good thing! I sing praises to ‘the gods that be’ the day someone gave me your name.
Less of fear…instead, hugs. Sally
Hi Sally, wow, thank you… although I’m slow responding to this… you better believe I’m reading it now and taking it in… and I’d never call anyone delusional… although some people have tempted me. You’re not one of them. 🙂
Have a great week!
And hugs to you as well,
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Dear Mark:
It is a nice article and yes, you cannot please everyone. After the accident, two things I say are “live with it” or “get a life”.
🙂
Hi Paul,
Thank you…
And have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Mark: I guess you wanted me to read this to draw some courage to go forward with what we talked about. All you related is quite familiar to me. I’ve been in many hot waters in my international work. It’s not that what worries me. It’s getting the best bang for the buck in working with you.
Hi John, you don’t have to read those newsletters/articles… but… if/when something catches your interest or seems applicable to your situation… that’s another story.
Have a great week and I’ll respond to your other message soon as well.
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
When it comes to dealing with people, truth must always be accompanied by grace. Grace without truth is passive, permissive and not constructive. Truth without grace is antagonistic, sometimes mean and not contructive. Grace and truth together bring about thought and change.
Hi Melissa, beautifully said… you should be writing books or something. 😉
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
I like your honesty and humility. Keep it coming. I look forward to working with you as soon as possible.
Anthony Sisco
(The Miracle of Good Seed)
Hi Anthony, much appreciated… and… as you know… I would love that.
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Very interesting – I agree – you can’t please everyone. However, it’s discouraging when you get a lot of negative feedback. You just have to concentrate on the positive ones – however few they might be. Sometimes you just have to get stubborn, know you’re right, and plunge ahead in spite of whatever others might think or say.
Hi Carl, I love it… you’re right… and most people don’t realize just how much pigheaded stubbornness can be a wonderfully attractive and rewarding quality… at least when it comes to sticking with the agent-querying process.
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Hello Mark, To be truthful with others is one thing, but to be truthful with yourself is a whole new level. I thought your truthfulness was on point, and yes for some truth is a hard thing to face, “but truth is what you want when it come to your life & career.” Truth is made to hurt, to empower, and to encourage. Why hire a person that will only tell you what he/she think you want to hear? In my introductory coaching with you, you gave me tough love(Truth)which pushed me to work harder. Thanks
Thank you Roland, well said…
Here’s to constantly surrounding ourselves with people who care about us enough to give us a bit of tough love… and being open enough to implement it.
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Hi Mark:
An interesting read. No matter what we try to do, you can’t please everyone. Number one lesson in life. I was told years ago to keep my day job because I couldn’t write! God, that went through me like a knife.
I’ve been reading your e-mails and am impressed with your work. My finances are limited and that’s why I haven’t asked for an interview. Maybe soon.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you Thomas, and I had one of those moments too. A college professor gave me a D- on a paper I wrote and basically told me that I’d amount to nothing… on paper anyway. Here’s to defying other people’s limitations… and our own.
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Mark: I have played for many coaches in football and worked under many leaders in the army. I’ve experienced both tough love and positive inspiration. The latter were always better, especially if they helped me understand what worked and what did not. I was a better football player and army officer under the positive inspiration people. The tough love guys never bothered to show why such love worked. The positive people were those that made me better and to want to work with them again.
Hi Hawk, thank you for that… in my personal and professional life… for my own growth and development… I’m always most interested in outcomes and results. Those don’t lie. How we feel often needs to be made secondary… if we’re serious about reaching our goals. Of course I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel things… but feelings can often be misleading. If every soldier in the army let his or her fear lead the way… well… we know how that would go. 😉
Thanks for sharing and have a great week!
And I saw your other message, will reply to that ASAP as well.
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
In the year I have known you I have found you to be every bit the professional your web sites make you out to be. I ill admit the day you suggested I rename my book I was a bit intimidated, but you explained so perfectly your concerns that it was easy to agree with you… that has to be one of the hardest things to tell a newbie author… to change their baby’s name. Thank you. Mark. I am a Mark fan.
Hi Keith, thank you for that… and now if I can help you find an agent… I’ll really be happy. Shoot me an email when you have a minute with a comprehensive update regarding your progress. I know you sent out some queries, but last time we talked it wasn’t a lot. And simply getting more out is half the battle. Once you hit a certain point with your numbers we’ll catch up by phone as well. 😉
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
I am one of those weird people who delight in tough criticism. Maybe it’s my teaching background and I realize that a student can’t correct a problem unless they can first identify the problem. I crave information that can help me identify the problems. Let’s face it. We don’t spend years and tons of money writing a novel as a hobby. If we are _that_ serious, then we need others to be equally serious. I think you did the right things at the conference. Keep doing what you are doing.
Hi Judy, I certainly don’t delight in it… although I do appreciate it after the initial impact is over and the swelling has gone done. 😉
Thanks for the kind words, and I saw your email that you sent a moment ago. I’ll get back to you on that sometime in the next couple of days as well.
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
And, as always, I admire your honesty! As a presenter myself, I can really relate. There have been those times when I wanted to find the nearest crack in the floor and crawl in. Yes, each humiliation is an exercise in painful learning. We are put here on Earth, I believe, to learn and grow. Growing can be painful, but necessary for the process. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Meganne, absolutely, and what fun would life be if we didn’t embarrass ourselves at times and learn a few things along the way?!
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Love this post. It’s always difficult looking in the mirror. The reality Mark–one that you and I have spoken many times about– is that too many authors won’t do the work to take them to the next level–whatever it is.
Sounds to me like we should do a radio show on this. If you are game, let’s set it up. You got my #… Best to you both.
PS. Love the feature on Michelle. I’ve worked with her on two of her books.
Hi Judith, thank you for that… and good hearing from you. I’ve been up to my ears since moving to CA… but I’m not complaining. Busy is good. And we’ve been here a year now so we’re starting to feel settled. I will definitely follow up with you to catch up and see what we can/should do next together. Looking forward to hearing what you’ve been up to since we last talked.
And go Michelle!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Maybe you didn’t position your shark tank session properly…or hold it in a small more intimate group setting. Yes, life isn’t fair, and yes you can learn from mistakes and setbacks. However, unpublished authors are sensitive and would take the bitter medicine if given in a sweeter setting.
Very true. 🙂
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Mark–I signed up through what I thought was Cinelit, to help me tweak a motion picture manuscript which deals with an American hostage held five years by Hezbollah.
Hi Alann, for some reason your comment/question went to my spam folder and I wasn’t notified about it… so my apologies for the delay getting back to you. If it’s not too late, I’m happy to help if I can. But I’m not sure what you mean about signing up through what you thought was Cinelit.
If I can help let me know, but I want to make sure you know that I’m a former agent. Today I’m a coach and consultant helping authors get top agents, publishers, and book deals. To that end, I have several websites devoted to helping authors get a top literary agent, publisher, and book deal. You can see a complete list here: http://thebestsellingauthor.com/websites/.
If you haven’t already done so, make sure you take advantage of all the resources (no cost) on our main website here: http://thebestsellingauthor.com/membership/. I’m also happy to answer any questions that you have online here: http://thebestsellingauthor.com/ask/. And, if you’re serious and believe we’re a good fit, you can register for an introductory coaching call with me here (there is a fee for that): http://thebestsellingauthor.com/coaching/intro-call/.
Either way, I’m looking forward to learning more about you and your work.
And I’ll point you in the right direction.
Have a great night!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
I love that you are so honest about your fears and in general!
Thank you Robin. 🙂 Mark
When bad things happen, my default mode is, “How can I learn and grow as a person from this?” Being nurtured includes hearing hard truths. We live in a world of self-entitlement (not self-examination) and instant gratification (not patience). Truth, even when spoken in love, can hurt and people rarely take it well. That’s why so many people are afraid of silence. It causes them to reflect. I’m 48 and don’t have time for beating bushes anymore. Hard truths are opportunities – to grow.
Hi Jack, glad to hear it and thanks for chiming in on this. I love this post because it got so many people fired up. I’m 43 and don’t feel I have time for beating around the bush, either. Mark
Living in Sedona for the past 6 years I can really see where you are coming from. There is a lot of make-believe in this town. The most disturbing thing I have heard about since moving here was the “sweat lodge” torture tent incident. I have been to many traditional sweat lodges, including a couple on the Lakota reservation and they were nothing like the craziness that happened in Sedona. Weird place, not sure I like living here yet…
Hi C’ante, glad you could relate… but I’m sure there are a lot of great people and experiences waiting for you in Sedona. We just had a challenging experience ourselves. Warm wishes. Mark
There is some really great people here. The whole sweat lodge thing shed light on a problem of taking advantage, that is hopefully in the past. It lives up to being the most beautiful place in the USA, that is for sure!
Really tough to find literary agents who are legit and / or accepting clients.
Hi C’ante, it is… but the good news is that my entire website is devoted to helping you make it happen. Just don’t quit. And let me know if/how I can help. Mark
Mark,
I was an English major in college, marketing is NOT a talent of mine. I could use any help finding an agent and / or way to sell my book rights. I just got diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that leads to aortic rupture and sudden death. I am not greedy and am willing to pay out above industry standards since time is of the essence. I really just want to leave a legacy for my wife, it would be great for her to collect some royalties in my absence…
Kind regards,
C’ante Ishta
Hi C’ante, sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully you’ll be able to use the many resources on my website(s) to help you get your work out there. And, of course, let me know if/how I can help as you progress. Mark
Mark,
Any help would be appreciated. I am willing to offer a percentage of future sales to anyone who can help me get the ball rolling.
I have a great google preview at my site.
Hi again C’ante, literary agents are the only people I know willing to work that way… so you need to get representation by contacting them. Mark
This was most interesting and helpful. Thank you for your openness and generosity of spirit, as well as for your time, trouble and caring.
P.S. My website is a waste of time. So I gave you my blog address—people like it!
Thank you again.
Diana
Hi Diana, thanks for taking time to comment. As you can imagine, this was a challenging post to write… so you made my day. Here’s to being both heart-centered and successful. Warm wishes to you and have a great day. Mark | Ask a Literary Agent