A while back, I gave two presentations at a writers’ retreat in Arizona with my lovely and talented wife (and business partner), Ingrid Elfver.
After the first presentation we got oohs and aahs. Glowing remarks. Gushing.
“Wonderful and informative” they said.
Awesome.
The second presentation was different. Some people got a lot out of it, but others got upset (and that’s putting it mildly). A couple participants actually walked out in the middle of our presentation.
Why would I fess up to that?
First, because I learned a lot about myself in the process. Second, because I know that telling you about it will empower you as well.
* * *
Here’s What Happened
The retreat took place in the picturesque red rock mountains of Sedona, a city known for its history and archaeology; arts and culture; shopping; outdoor sports; and spiritual/metaphysical community.
The event was a “Wellness & Writing” retreat attended mostly by authors who read books by publishers like Hay House (self help, inspirational, and transformational books).
For the most part the attendees were:
* Unpublished authors
* Early in their writing/career development
* Spiritual/metaphysical
* Intuitive/sensitive
* Focused on healing and wellness in their own lives
(in some cases the inspiration for their books)
So, what went wrong???
* * *
Breaking It Down
The first presentation Ingrid and I gave was standard schtick.
It was early in the morning and I could hear birds singing outside as I started my talk. I began by painting a pretty picture of how great it would be for everyone to get a top literary agent and book deal. I built everyone up, encouraged them to believe that is was possible.
I also addressed common fears and resistance that many authors have. I provided basics about how the publishing industry works. Lastly, I shared case studies illustrating how to give a book greater bestseller or high commercial potential.
When I was done, Ingrid encouraged everyone as well. She also inspired them to think bigger… about their business and brand. Authors are entrepreneurs after all, and books are just one potential stream of income. Others might include speaking, merchandise, coaching, etc.
Ingrid went on to help everyone see how they could bring more of themselves into their work. In other words, be more authentic and trust the fact that they can do more of what they’re really best at, and enjoy doing the most.
Pretty easy sell.
Everyone (myself included) likes to be nurtured
and hear about what’s possible.
That’s the fun stuff…
* * *
Then We Shifted Gears
After our first presentation Ingrid and I had lunch at a gorgeous restaurant next to a creek, and we enjoyed some downtime in our hotel room. Then we headed back to the retreat to host our very own “Author Shark Tank.”
Ingrid and I selected three different people to come up to the front of the room, one at a time, and sit in our “Author Hot Seat.” We stood on opposite sides of each person to provide intensive 2-on-1 laser coaching.
That’s when things got “messy.”
Yes, we continued to be encouraging and show people what was possible for them (things they wanted to hear). But this wasn’t just us speaking anymore.
It was us coaching.
Coaching is interactive.
Coaching is about action and transformation.
Coaching is about getting real and doing the work.
* * *
So, We Pushed Buttons
* We revealed weaknesses and limiting beliefs
* We talked about reality, making money, and success
* We told people they were wrong when they were wrong
* We challenged them to think bigger and take bolder action, concrete action steps that would take them out of their comfort zones and require more work than they had originally planned on doing (pushing everyone beyond the happy bliss of just birthing books)
* * *
To Be Honest, It Was a Bit Much
If we’d been speaking to a group of CEOs or seasoned entrepreneurs it would have been fine. But we weren’t. Remember, this group was made up of mostly unpublished authors very early in their writing/career development; spiritual/metaphysical; intuitive/sensitive; and focused on healing and wellness in their own lives (in most cases the driving force behind their books).
By the way, any time you start to “lose” an audience as a speaker, it’s your fault. We came on way too strong (talking business) with (mostly) a bunch of newbies that were (for the most part) just trying to find the confidence they needed to start writing their first books. We were so focused on how we could help the people there grow… that we tried to push them too far too fast.
We also should have spent more time (before starting the session) setting the stage: explaining the value of what we were about to do; framing everything we were about to present as opportunity; giving people permission to feel overwhelmed and/or opt out; and remind people that focusing on smart business strategy doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic or only in it for the money.
We realized this (to some extent) while it was happening,
and made some feeble adjustments.
But it wasn’t enough…
As I mentioned earlier, two people walked out.
Then, later on (long after the event), Ingrid and I heard
through the grapevine it got worse after we left.
Awkward…
Now that I’ve had a few weeks to process everything, I’ve boiled it all down to this… the moral of the story. There are two of them, actually:
* * *
Lesson #1: Fear vs. Opportunity
At first when I learned that people (including the event coordinator)
were disappointed, I got afraid.
Oh, no, did people gather in groups and say bad stuff about us that night when we left after the hot seat? Is the event coordinator going to invite us to future events? Will the attendees still want to work with us and sign up for our coaching programs? Will people from the event let what happened get in the way of their growth and development?
Then I remembered…
I’m not the kind of guy who likes to live in fear.
So, I chose the alternative.
Opportunity.
I sat down and wrote the event coordinator a thoughtful email. I expressed my gratitude and some of my regrets. I explained why Ingrid and I did some of the things we did. And I made suggestions for what might be done differently in the future (hopeful that we might be able to mend fences and do more with the event coordinator in the future).
She replied with an extremely gracious email, but it was also heartbreaking. That’s when she told me how upset some of the attendees had gotten.
I jumped right back into fear.
Oh, God, it’s exactly what I thought. No, it’s worse than I thought. I suck. We suck. What a wasted trip. Man, we had such a great start to the event and then blew it with the “Author Hot Seat.”
Then my “higher self” returned.
Opportunity.
I emailed the event coordinator again, thanking her for being so kind and even-handed in her email. It was obvious she put a lot of thought into it and didn’t want to hurt our feelings. She even said that she was worried that her email might have been too direct.
I told her it wasn’t too direct.
It was honest.
Then I thanked her for being brave enough to speak her truth (so few people have the balls to do that). Even though a lot of what the event coordinator said was difficult to hear, Ingrid and I needed to hear it. The event coordinator and I talked on the phone a couple weeks later (this is where it really gets interesting). According to her, our presence at the event wasn’t a total disaster after all.
She said, “Although some people at the event got protective of our tight group, and the discussions about money pulled a lot of folks out of their comfort zones – some positive effects are beginning to be seen. Many times (especially when it comes to money) people often need to be pulled a little out of their current mindset to see the bigger picture!!”
Here’s the point…
Everyone at the retreat (myself, Ingrid, the event coordinator, and all the attendees) were forced to make a choice during (and after) the event:
- Use everything that took place as an opportunity to learn and grow
- Go into fear (get defensive, find fault, and focus on others instead of yourself)
Staying positive and looking for opportunities advances you.
Going into fear holds you back.
The choice we all make
in these situations is critical…
If you want to be a true “master” (spiritually, in writing, or in anything else in life), it starts here. The event coordinator is a master. Ingrid is a master. I’m a master. And so is everyone else that attended the retreat… who chose opportunity and grace.
Life (and people) are imperfect.
Including me.
Get over it.
That’s not what matters.
What matters is what you do with the imperfection. That reveals your true character. It also defines the limits of the success you’ll be able to achieve (in your writing, in your relationships, and in every other part of your life).
Don’t get afraid, look for the opportunity.
Ingrid is much better at this than I am.
I get afraid, she doesn’t.
When I first told Ingrid about the email I got from the event coordinator, explaining how some people at the event got triggered, she laughed. “That’s good,” she said. “We got people’s attention and made them think. Eventually they’ll come around and see that we had good intentions and only wanted to help them grow.”
I took everything a lot harder.
That’s because I’m still in the process of getting comfortable… making other people uncomfortable (whereas Ingrid is already a master at this). For me, the couple weeks after Sedona were more of an emotional roller-coaster. Humbling. A learning experience that made me question what I do (and why).
I hope you’re learning from the experience, too.
* * *
Lesson #2: Love vs. Tough Love
Wanting people to feel good and/or like you is tempting as a speaker or coach, but that should never be the primary drive of a speaker or coach. If that happens, it should be called nurturing and/or people-pleasing.
Not coaching.
Yes, I want as many people as possible to love me when I speak and coach. But it’s more important to me that people reach their goals. Even if that means they’re going to get upset (as long as they’re nice about it).
I get it.
It’s uncomfortable…
That’s because I’m consciously making you uncomfortable, challenging you, and stretching you.
It isn’t supposed to be all sunshine and lollipops.
* * *
As a speaker and coach I have to:
* Reveal myths and misconceptions
* Share insider information about the publishing industry and/or business world that might be difficult for you to hear or accept
* Expose your weaknesses and shortcomings (so you can improve)
* Get you to be more realistic about how much work you’ll have to do and help you be more patient
* Tell you if you’re delusional
* Hold you accountable (if that’s something you need)
As your coach I’m going to fight for you. I’m going to fight with you if needed. And I’m going to show you how you’re fighting yourself.
One of my favorite marketing gurus says, “If you’re not pissing a few people off in business… you’re playing it safe, not really taking a stand for anything, and not helping people grow as much as you could.”
I agree.
It’s called “tough love” and that’s what I do.
If you want a yes-man, that’s not me.
Because I want you to succeed.
I’m not just in this for standing ovations (although they’re wonderful). Matter of fact, if you found this article enlightening and/or empowering… I’d love to hear from you below. And (if you’re one of the authors who attended the retreat in Sedona), I hope you got a lot out of it. You can do absolutely anything you put your mind to.
Ingrid and I believe in you,
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
Your “Undercover” Agent
* * *
* * *
MARK MALATESTA is a former literary agent turned author coach. Mark now helps authors of all genres (fiction, nonfiction, and children's books) get top literary agents, publishers, and book deals through his company 
MARK MALATESTA is a former literary agent turned author coach. Mark now helps authors of all genres (fiction, nonfiction, and children's books) get top literary agents, publishers, and book deals through his company 
I’ve been doing standup, in-your-face presentations and coaching to audiences from bigtime hardass execs to left-brain accountant types, mannabe retiree memoir writers, middle school adolescents, aerospace engineers, insurance sales reps, university B-school grad students, and dozens of other scary types. The key: know your audience, then translate your content into their lingo and mindset. Stay honest and respect them. I’m here to help. Onward.
🙂
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
What if too many people are telling you that your story doesn’t stand out enough in a crowded market? I really want to find the opportunity in that statement. :/
And yes… I have to agree with the tough love thing. Yell at me. Get stern with me like you did when you found out I wasn’t keeping you in the loop enough with submissions, lol. Admittedly, that is exactly what I need.
Hi Nikki!
That’s just standard form letter schtick.
Read this if you haven’t already:
https://literary-agents.com/get-a-literary-agent/literary-agent-feedback/
Most of all, stay positive and productive.
EVERY authors faces a lot of rejection.
And…
You only need one agent to get it.
One day at a time,
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Hi Mark,
Through your writing, I can feel your level of genuineness and how much you care about others, which can be rare today. I agree with the marketing guru and have said to people more than once, “you don’t want everyone to like you because if that’s the case, you’re too busy trying to be what everyone wants you to be instead of who you really are.” Continue to push people, speak your truth. We are all lucky to be able to learn from you as were the attendees, whether they realize it or not
Thank you Camie, and that’s good advice for authors as well. Too many people write books based on what they think the market wants… instead of finding themselves first… their story and their voice… and then studying the market to make their work as marketable as possible. I like the inside out approach. 🙂
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Your comments you made about people “walking out” is the same thing that happens with any book that can’t “hold” a person’s interest or insults them, personally. As you said, “By the way, any time you start to “lose” an audience as a speaker, it’s your fault.”
So, what interest do you have in those of us who only have or intend one or two books or who can’t afford to “invest” so much in one or with no intent of making lots of money or a living with it, but do it to help others?
Hi Cathy, I have an interest in helping as many people as possible, but I don’t have time to help everyone individually. That’s one of the reasons why I have so many articles and other resources on my websites. I hope you take advantage of them.
Have a good week,
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
That was quite a story. Great food for thought for all of us.
Thanks for sharing what happened at the event and how it
affected you. We never stop learning which makes life so
challenging.
Darlene
Hi Darlene, agreed… and… as Ingrid would say… that’s also what makes life interesting. 🙂
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Sometimes honesty can be a tough pill to swallow, but in the long run it is for our own good. It looks as though everyone learned a lesson at the writers retreat. Personally, I want to come away with something from a group like that. At least I feel I got my money’s worth.
Hi Carl, good attitude. I’ll make sure I invite you to my next event so you can tell everyone how to get the most out of it. 😉
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Well as they say “If you can’t stand the Heat, get out of the Kitchen.”
As for myself, I like to be told how things are, not how I think they are. Another expression comes to mind. “You can’t please Everyone.
Keep up the great work you and Ingrid our doing. To this poor writer, your comments are much appreciated
Hi Colin, well said…
I should ask every prospective coaching client the following question: “How badly do you want to hear the way things are… and the way things could/should be… vs… how you believe they are… or should be?”
Sounds like you have your
head screwed on straight.
So keep believing in
yourself and your work.
And…
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Mark,
We all need to be lifted up by kind words and we also need to hear where we have to improve for us to grow. Overcoming opposition is the challenge, especially when the opposition is within ourselves. I appreciate your sharing your fears and turning them into opportunities. I will need to work on that myself.
Thank you David, and I hope you have a wonderful week with many more opportunities than obstacles!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Good article Mark (and Ingrid). If I might paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, whom I believe it was commented that life wasn’t meant to be easy, but at times it can be most enjoyable. A bit like writing, I suppose. Conquer the difficult, acknowledge the shortcomings, and the rest is most enjoyable.
Hi Jeff, well said, and here’s to life not being easy. I’d wish an easy life for us both, but since that’s not possible, it’s better for us to embrace the beautiful imperfection that is both life and publishing.
Right?
🙂
Enjoy your week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
For years I was a public speaker dealing primarily with parents of children with special educational needs. I empathised with the authors when their situation turned sour. I have been there in their shoes.
It did not happen often but sometimes the communication is not processed well by some people and yet others found my message very helpful. So what did I learn by this? I found that by asking some people in the audience to talk about the positive points, the hostiles found a benefit for them.
Hi Stu, great point… and there’s nothing like writing and/or speaking publicly to see areas for growth. Life would be so simple if nobody said anything. I tell my wife that once in a while. Or, wait, maybe she’s the one who tells ME that. 😉
Here’s to the positives.
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
I have had opportunity to speak publicly in which the point of the speech was to push people out of their comfort zone. It’s not always pretty and it’s isn’t helpful to everyone, but I tend to focus my attention on the people who seem to be drawn to being challenged. People’s expressions can tell you a lot, especially if they are intrigued or repelled by what you’re saying. The ones who are intrigued are usually going to gain the most and share positive responses with their friends.
Hi Gerry, here’s to pushing people out of their comfort zones… and paying attention to the looks on people’s faces as you go. 😉
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
I agree with you because I have had enough business experience to know constructive criticism from a professional is for my benefit and will help me whereas pats on the back will be plentiful from my friends and family who are not knowledgable and do not want to hurt my feelings.
I hope I can write my story because it needs to get out and I need someone’s critique if I am to have any success.
Hi Bette, pats on the back are good sometimes too… but I agree that they’re much more effective when they’re coupled with the whole truth.
Have a great week, and happy writing!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
It’s interesting to hear you be so frank about your own personality. You could easily have avoided telling us this story and made yourself look like more of an authority. But the funny thing is it shows us about your own struggles to be better at what you do. We can see you haven’t stopped at “good enough.” And goodness knows, we want you to be the best there is. Otherwise we can’t be the best we can be.
Thank you Jonathan, much appreciated. I spent way too much time thinking about what happened at that event that I had to find a way to turn it into an article. I think that’s probably how a lot of writers think. Let no great life experience be wasted. It’s great to grow from an experience like that. Just as wonderful to find a way to turn into an article, etc. 😉
Here’s to being our best, and getting good content out of it!
Have a great week!!!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Hi Mark and Ingrid,
Probably, those in attendance had zilch conception of who the two of you are and the wealth of knowledge and innovative abilities you not only hold, but are so very willing to impart, to propel novice such as themselves to platinum positions. Clearly, they had not taken the time to tune in to their intuition (an innate attribute we all have but most of us fail to distinguish and develop) before listening to those 3rd voices. Ouch…such a loss!
Thank you Lola…
You always make my day.
As Ingrid would say, keep shining. 😉
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
It’s like the old saying, the truth hurts. No one likes to hear it, especially if it’s about you. We need to learn to accept criticism and advice from the people in charge or those more knowledgeable. I’ll try to keep this tip in my back pocket for when you tell me my book is a mess!! lol
Hi Carolyn, you’re funny… and don’t worry… to me the worst truth isn’t about having to improve things… it’s finding out you don’t have what it takes. You do have what it takes… so you’ll be fine… as long as you’re willing to put in the time. And hopefully it won’t take you a lot of time. 😉
Have a great day and talk soon,
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Hi Mark,
Your experience reminds me of a critiquing group I belonged to. My novel was 3/4 completed and the feedback I received was fierce, but the critic was a formidable talent and I decided, after my anger died down, to re-assess her comments. So, I began again,sending one character to the Island of Dead Souls and resurrecting another. Turned out the writer knew nothing about the Second World War (the novel’s theme), but everything about pace and drama, so listening paid off.
Hi Tina, did you just call me a formidable talent? Ha ha ha. Just kidding. I’m so glad you shared your story. I know it will help other authors reading my blog see that investing in being open-minded can pay off. 😉
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Mark, I’m already signed up for the initial one-hour consultation Will signup-for the timed-hour very soon. This article has given me the courage to sign you up for consultation, too. I know the finances will show up! I loved your mantra of Fear VS Opportunity. I’ve lived my life with Fear, now it’s time to invite opportunity. All my life, every time I neared my goal, fears would come crowding and I’d panic. Now, I’m giving opportunity a chance. I’m giving me a chance. I’m giving life a chance.
Hi Neena, glad to hear it, and I’m looking forward to our call… and I can’t wait to help you see more of the opportunities in front of you… and the easiest way to get there.
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
So true. You must take the good with the bad, and try to turn the negative into “opportunities”-if you can manage it. And you’re right, Mark, it’s not easy, none of this business is easy. If it were, every writer would be a published millionaire. But it’s only those few who listen to people like you and Ingrid optimistically and accept the criticism, as well as the encouragement that make it. Thanks for sharing your “frightening” experience.
Hi Chris, wonderful comment… thank you… and you’re right… it’s not easy… but those who stay open and optimistic certainly have a better chance. 😉
Have a great week!
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com
Considering most inquires end up in an agents slush pile and that few respond as to why (other than the “good work. . not meet our need at this time. . keep trying” form letter), I would think any criticisms, whether harsh or not, would be a good thing. It indicates someone read and responded to what you wrote.
I am still working on the good suggestions you gave my work and that does not include the inquiry letter or synopsis yet. But one day it will be ready and then watch out!
Hi David, I live for comments like that… people buying into themselves and their talent and their ability to make things happen… if only they stay positive and productive… committed and consistent.
Rock on,
– Mark
Mark Malatesta
The Bestselling Author
http://thebestsellingauthor.com
Literary Agent Undercover
https://literary-agents.com